Dating while natural. Dating as a millennial Black woman.
40% of Black women will NEVER get married. As someone who would love to be married to my life partner one day, this is a terrifying statistic. You know the saying “there’s someone for everyone”…. that’s not looking to be so true right about now. To some, 40% isn’t that high of a percentage. But in a group of 10 of your homegirls, 4 of them will not wed. To drive this point home even further, out of my 13 linesisters (14 of us total) 5 to 6 of us will never get married. I think out of the 14 of us, only one of us is uninterested in marriage. So yeah, that’s a bit gut wrenching. And for those who do not know what a linesister is, it is your co-initiate in a Black Greek Letter Organization.
So dating, what is dating anyway? Dating is used so loosely that people don’t even really understand what it actually is. According to Wikipedia, dating is where two people meet socially with the aim of each assessing the other’s suitability as a prospective partner in a future intimate relationship. There is a difference between casually dating and exclusively dating. Casually dating is what is stated above by Wiki and it is common to casually date multiple people at a time. And casually dating multiple people simultaneously does not mean that you or anyone else is having sexual relations with each person. Exclusively dating is when two (or more) people decide to intimately date each other in hopes of building something more serious.
Now dating as a millennial….. GHETTO CHILE!!! It’s like everyone is in competition to see who can care the least. We have unrealistic “relationship goals” on social media to live up to, unrealistic expectations in music and everyone at the palm of our hands. It’s a double-edged sword with all the technological advances we have. We get to connect with more people, however we also get to compare our lives to more people. Easier to believe that the grass is always greener on the other side and play the “What If” game. Every popular couple is deemed as someone’s #RelationshipGoal…. That is until they have a public breakup and all their dirt is put out there. Saying all this to say, what we see is hardly ever true.
Now, dating in this #RelationshipGoals #ForeignInAForeign generation as a Black woman is a journey in itself. One thing us Black women have to be aware of is how our hairstyles affect the type of men we attract. I’m sure other races of women experience the same but since Black women have more styling versatility with our hair…. It ain’t the same boo. Also add in the factor that for a majority of us, our natural hair texture is not what is deemed as the beauty standard. The beauty standard in America is based on the European standard of straight/sleek hair. So throughout our life time, more specifically our dating life time, many of us are drawn to those European standards to attract men. We try to adjust to this standard whether that’s with damaging our hair with heat to straighten it, with chemicals to relax it or with weaves to achieve it. And for those of us who like to switch it up and not have straight hair all the time, we can attest to the difference in both the amount and type of attention based on different styles. For me, I get not only more attention while my hair is straight but also approached by more races of men. This is evident with the amount of “swipes” I get on my straight hair photo on dating sites, the amount of “heart eyes” in my DMs on social media while my hair is straight as well as the amount of men that approach me. This definitely has some sort of a mental affect on my take to dating. Because as I fall more in love with my natural hair and curls, I also don’t want to end up in that 40% stereotype. Ultimately I want to be comfortable being my full authentic self with the man I end up with so I go on in spite of. Most Black women have gone through some sort of “self love” journey as we get older, wiser and learn who we are as a person. And for most of us, that self love journey involves falling in love with our hair and what comes along with that. Self love is beautiful but most times not easy.
Now as a Black woman who loves Black men and is primarily attracted to Black men…. SUPER GHETTO! Why is this ghetto? Well because if you are a black woman who is educated and doing well for yourself, you naturally want a man who is your equal or better. So if you’re canceling out a majority of single men by focusing on one race and then a small percentage of said race, chances are SLIM. And let’s not forget that said men have to like Black women in return and aren’t looking for the #Foreigns that are commonly mentioned and shown in our media…. SLIM SLIM. And if you’re confused on what a “foreign” is in Black culture, it is a woman who is racially and/or ethically ambiguous. So obviously not me as a darker skinned Black woman lol. What I have basically been forced to realize is that if I do not want to end up as the previously mentioned 40%, I need to broaden my horizons to more than just Black men. Now this isn’t a problem because a fine man is fine regardless of his race, it’s just a conscious adjustment I’ve had to make in my dating life. It has been a very ummm… interesting journey to say the least. But what I do know is that by the time my husband finally finds me, I’ll definitely be ready to settle down… Partially because dating will have worn be out by then. Wish me luck y’all, cause I’ll need it!
If you can relate to any part of this, leave a comment and tell us your experience.
XOXO,
Kat
